This afternoon, the United Nations of the Afterlife have successfully lobbied to discontinue a series of appalling torture chambers in a subterranean fortress known only as Hell. According to sources, these chambers have been the scene of hundreds of blatant violations of the Geneva Convention. Violations include, but are not limited to; prodding prisoners with hot fire-pokers, beatings with whips and chains, and the forcible insertion of foreign items into victims' rectums.
"We are thrilled to have finally stopped the perpetrators of these horrendous crimes," said floating apparition Henry Wilcox, UNA Spokesman. "It's 2008, for pete's sake. Who would have ever believed such ruthless and vicious illegal behavior could occur right under our noses on such a large scale? We believe that every disembodied spectre has certain inalienable rights, and we have made huge strides towards our goal today."
The ghouls responsible for the violations have been taken into UNA custody and are preparing for deposition. The leader of the criminal ring, a ten foot tall red monster with irises aflame and a biforcated tail, declined comment. Investigators have learned that its name is Satan; however, it goes by the aliases The Dark Lord, The Fallen Angel, Lucifer, The Devil, and Steve.
Despite a mountain of evidence against Satan and his minions, undead legal analysts working the case are not so sure the UNA will be able to successfully prosecute. Says Wilcox, "Evidently, His Most Unholy has thousands of lawyers at his disposal, and has put together a frightening defense team led by Johnny Cochran. If that son of a bitch kept O.J. off the hook, Lord knows he can do it again."
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