Okay Publicists, come up with something else.

Why is it that every time some young Hollywood punk like Lindsay Lohan goes out and gets a DUI, the country doesn't burn her at the stake? I mean, that's a pretty dick move, and as a public figure and role model to an unfortunate few, she should certainly be castigated. But she usually does just fine. Why??



Rehab! Yay!!! I love this time-honored strategy of douchebag pampered California kids evading responsibility for their actions by blaming a nonexistent addiction. Half the time these people are like 18, 19, 21 years old. They're not alcoholics. They're just idiots. But this way, they get to blame the booze, total lack of control, and it wasn't really their fault to begin with! YAYYY!!

I imagine the conversation must go something like this.

Publicist (P): Man, Young Hollywood Douchebag, you've really done it this time. I can't believe you flipped your Hummer on Rodeo Drive, rolling over a crowd of Japanese tourists and right into an expensive boutique. How are we going to clean this up?

Young Hollywood Douchebag: I know right??? It's like, crazy though! *Texts on Blackberry*

P: I've got it. You're an addict. You'll go into a cushy Beverly Hills rehab for a week, sit in a spa and exfoliate, and text on your Blackberry. Instead of being completely lambasted by the media and never working again, people will feel bad for you. Then, if you ever do clean up your act, whether superficially or actually, everyone will be very excited and you'll officially be making a "Comeback." How's that sound?

YHD: *Texts on Blackberry*

P: Alright! Well I'll alert the newspapers.

How does this work? It's so see-through, it's insane. The celebrity-rehab defense is akin to chasing some sort of criminal around... you've almost got them, BAM! They're in a church. They've got Sanctuary. Well, you can't do anything now, right? Rehab is celebrity Sanctuary. Fuck that. I hate these people. I guess anything to keep TMZ on the air, right?

...Stop it.