Fuck you, other drivers.

Having done a lot of interstate driving lately, I've come to understand that few things in life fill me with such venomous rage as highway traffic. As I sit there at a dead stop, I begin to fantasize. See, the world of fantasizing is just like advertising; sex and violence sell. Seeing as how I'm stuck idling in a vehicle and have nothing in the spank bank, it's about time I woofed down a hearty helping of the latter.

In my fantasy, I leave my car, run along the highway until I find the source of the congestion, and start snapping necks like Steven Seagal. Oh, the 70-year-old ladies rubbernecking, slowing down to observe an wrecked car on the other side of the divider. *SNAP!* The insanely overly-cautious teenage girl who never really learned to drive, yet somehow ended up with a license, and is now heavily applying the brakes on the middle of a hill with no cars in front of her. *SNAP!* The holier-than-thou fuckface in the Mercedes or BMW weaving in and out of traffic, passing on the right, tailgating, flashing his brights at people he feels are going too slowly. *SNAP!*

Forget about the logistics of hopping onto/into speeding cars on the highway in order to snap necks. Forget about the logistics of me correcting said car after it begins to careen off the road with a dead driver. It's my fantasy. Fuck you. (You can tell this is a big deal because this rant isn't even fresh in my mind. I haven't been on the highway since two days ago, but alas, my blood boils.)

My God, the world would be a better place without these people.

Dedicated and fortunate readers of The Douche, I put it to you...
-Is it really necessary to slow down to 30 mph every time there's a turn in the highway?
-Must I sit in stop-go traffic because someone is mowing the lawn on the side of the highway, and there isn't even a lane blocked??
-Why do people drive the same speed in the fast lane as the one next to it, so no one can pass?

I wish there was a way to remove all these types of douchebags from the highway. I estimate that traffic would reduce by a billion percent. Approximately. You see, there wouldn't be rubbernecking traffic because all the drivers would mind their own goddamn business. There wouldn't be random slow-downs on hills or turns because everyone would be at least semi-competent...or have a pulse. There wouldn't be accidents because coke-addled bankers wouldn't be weaving through traffic thinking they're fucking Barry Sanders. Can you just imagine?

Yeah. Socialism is a good idea in theory, too.

Sigh.