Superbowl time!

Here at the Douche, we like to keep things diversified. "We" of course, being used in a "well, that's simply not grammatically correct, but hell, let's not make a big stink about it" manner, such as asking a few friends, "How are we doing today?" That question, of course, is unanswerable. One can only answer for oneself, unless the few friends intend to answer as a collective. And even if that is the case, their collective response does not fully answer the question because it does not account for the quality of the question asker's day. To include him or her into the collective with no prior knowledge of his or her day would be presumptuous and downright rude, in this author's opinon. Furthermore, one can assume that the asker of said question would not have already informed the group of the contents of his or her day, as evidenced by his extremely introductory salutation.

The next time someone asks you, "how are we doing today?" Make sure you get a grip on their day first. It's just good manners.

Anyway, we here at the Douche, we (i.e. me, Ryan, aside from guest contributor Chad "Stabwound" Remington), like to keep things diversified. But lately I've noticed that the vast majority of my posts have to do only with things that I hate, or that I think are stupid. Ah, hate. Such a strong emotion. What is it about contempt that fuels my grammatical stylings?

Anyway, I figured (well, Brittney figured) I should write about something I love. Football. That's right, kids. Superbowl season is upon us. The greatest moment in the year for sports...the gargantuan zenith of the football season. The most watched game of the most watched sport. In America. We don't like soccer here.

So, we have the Steelers versus the Cardinals. Who would have thunk it? I had Titans/Panthers. Hey, what do I know? For those not too familiar with the NFL, let me summarize these two teams. It's not a surprise that the Steelers are here. Number 2 seed in the AFC, always finding a way to win close games, best defense in the league, scary good, huge hitters. Sometimes their offense is a bit wishy-washy, but that's what happens when your QB follows up a near-fatal motorcycle crash with a neverending string of concussions.

The Cardinals on the other hand...what? If you were to pick the least likely team to represent the NFC before the playoffs, it would have been Arizona in a landslide. They sucked HARD heading into the playoffs, and then brought on the sauce. They've been laying waste to supposedly better teams for weeks now. Every time you figure, "What a run it's been, but now they're playing X team. They're toast." It is because of that unflappable logic that I go against the grain and against the spread and pick the Cardinals!!! Uhh, let's say 27-21.

Next order of business. Fucking Bruce Springsteen. Alright, FCC. Ever since the Janet Jackson titty fiasco a few years ago, you've been sticking every old geezer with a washed up band on stage, so as to avoid any unwholesome behavior. Bono. Tom Petty. Paul McCartney (hey, below average solo career. Bite me. "Live and let die" is still a killer song.) Prince actually kicked ass, though. Best Superbowl halftime show I can remember, at least.

Springsteen is fucking terrible. I know two of his songs, and they both make me want to drink a bucket full of Emperor Scorpions so they can tear me open from the inside out. What a no-talent hack with a gassy chili-fart for a voice. Who else but a half-assed, boring, dipshit-with-a-telecaster, songs-stink-worse-than-Newark douchebag to fit the moniker "The Jersey Boy." Although, if Janet's tit hadn't happened, and we were still pulling from the uninspired top 40 pool, I have a feeling deep down in my duodenum who we'd be dealing with.

Lil' fucking Wayne. My arch-nemesis. One day, Wayne, we will fight. So, I don't know what's worse. Ancient relics of the past trotting out massively overplayed songs to an unenthusiastic crowd, or undeserving illiterate dickheads who never should have been famous in the first place trotting out their oversynthesized cookie-cutter bullshit to a hugely overenthusiastic crowd. Can't we just get Tenacious D for the halftime show or something?

Well, hey. I got to talk a little bit about the Superbowl, right? That oughtta be fun, huh? Beer, wings, football...

Aw, fuck it. The Patriots had the best record ever for a team that missed the playoffs. First time a team with that good of a record missed out since 1985. Everything still sucks.