Useless Job #2

Just now, on my way back to my apartment from campus, I came across a scene which can only be described as baffling. I was stuck at a red light behind an ugly blue Kia with obnoxious liberal bumper stickers; you know, Obama, Make love not war... the usual. Funny, I voted for Obama and I'm in favor of withdrawal, but there's something about seeing people's views on the back of their car that makes me immediately want to do the opposite out of spite. Sorry troops, you'll just have to sweat it out a little while longer; some dickhead changed my mind. (I kid, I kid. Get home safe, boys (and girls!) Anyway, I came across the creme de la creme of obnoxious bumper stickers:

"Meat is Gross."

Well, excuse me, fucknut, I had it for lunch and found it to be quite exquisite. The real kicker was that obnoxious-liberal boy and his companions were all smoking. Now how's that for ironic? Delicious, life-sustaining, protein-packed food is gross, and sucking on cancer sticks is just peachy keen? It's almost like this guy wanted me to rear-end him. I suppose being trendy interferes with any semblance of logic. I shook it off and kept driving, and he pulls INTO MY APARTMENT COMPLEX! After briefly considering tailing him and then Tonya Harding-ing his kneecaps with my ice scraper, I took note of where his car was heading and came back here. It's cool: now I know where he lives, so if I ever have a particularly shitty day (or a particularly drunk night), I can slash his tires or something. Maybe take a dump on his windshield, if there's time. Perhaps I can use that as a sociological experiment; what if someone caught me taking a dump on that guy's car? Could I shake off a passerby's disdain by laughing and giving the thumbs up, as with peeing? I could, in theory, revisit both this post and the Poop one in one deft maneuver.

Clearly I'm passionate about meat. Kia guy, if you're reading this, take the sticker off and we're all square. At least I think it was a Kia. I was too irritated to pay closer attention. Now, onto today's business:

USELESS JOB #2

Bathroom Attendants.



What is with this fucking bizarre job? I don't know how it is in lady-land, but with men's rooms, the scene goes something like this. Walk into the bathroom, avoid eye contact, try to find an open urinal that's not next to one that's being occupied. If the only pissers available happen to be right next to other dudes, you do a quick inventory.

A. How badly do you have to go?
B. How much space is there between each urinal?
C. Are there dividers, so the guy next to you won't look at your package? (always a concern)

You weigh these criteria and make a decision. Or, you just go to the stall. Afterwards, you quickly wash your hands, and leave. Why would you ever want to spend more time in a public restroom?

Bathroom attendants are insanely useless. Now, I've never come across one personally, thank God, but after I graduate and start going to nicer restaurants, I have a feeling I'm going to come across this problem. From what I gather in movies and TV shows and what not, these people pretty much just do shit for you that you could easily do yourself. Turn on the water for you. Hand you a towel. What the fuck? I suppose dumbass rich people like being pampered to, but fuck, there's certain things I can handle myself. Is he going to wipe my ass, too? Hold my penis while I pee?

Something seems so backwards about this. Like I said, men don't even LOOK at people in the bathroom. Why the hell station someone who's going to talk to you and make you uncomfortable in the one place you go for a little privacy? If that's luxury, bring on the Spam and Cheez Whiz. I can't imagine the business sense behind it, either. "Wow, this restaurant cares about customers so much that instead of putting my hand in front of a sensor to get a paper towel, some guy in a vest gives me one. I'm going to spend way more money now and recommend this restaurant to everyone I know." Uh, yeah. I'd say save the salary and put it towards running the business.

Oh yeah, one more thing. You're supposed to tip these guys. Yeah, that's right. They hold the door and turn the faucet on, and you're supposed to tip. There simply are no more words. It's like Valet Parking except that occasionally it can be a pain in the ass finding a parking spot. I have never had trouble washing my hands in my life. And that's why the Bathroom Attendant would be the second job to go in Ryan's America, behind our other useless friend, the Courtroom Sketch artist.

Over and out.