Why do I spill everything I eat on my lap?

Moments ago, while enjoying a delicious lemonade popsicle (box calls it a Fruit Bar. That makes me feel better about myself) I shifted my gaze from the computer screen to my customary attire of sweatpants and a t-shirt. I just wrote about the emotional rewards of wearing this outfit. I swear. (Note: I'm not wearing slippers at the moment. The thing happened where I can plainly see one and the other one is God-knows-where, likely in some bizarre location like three feet under my bed, or outside).

My t-shirt was unscathed, at least according to my cursory glance. But it's a black shirt...something could have easily gone unnoticed. I quickly ran my hand over the surface to feel for a wet spot before refusing to examine this garment any further. Then, my focus shifted to the sweatpants.

Sigh. A veritable Jackson Pollock of rogue condiments and dripping Fruit Bars. It remains to be seen whether the Fruit Bar drippings will remain visible upon drying, but I think I like my odds on this one. The lemony drops of tongue-numbing goodness lack the viscosity of the usual suspects such as ketchup, hot sauce, salsa, and ranch dressing.


This picture of my washboard abs should shed some light on the issue.

But one question remains: What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I eat like a normal person? I feel like the last kid to learn to tie his shoes. Is there some big secret that everyone else knows besides me? This epidemic of food spillage is causing catastrophic results. They include, but are not limited to:

1. Public ridicule
2. Premature washing of the pants
3. Premature washing of the shirt
4. The great debate as to whether or not to eat the piece of food that I dropped on myself
5. Permanent stains

Putting a napkin on my lap helps, but only slows the onslaught. The shirt is still fully exposed. It's like carrying a shield in battle. It's nice when you're deflecting blows to your arms and torso, but then someone stabs you in the face. The napkin and shield are both so often victims of poor strategic placement.

Indeed, my friends, it is a problem, but I do believe, one day, I will persevere. The ability to change and adapt is one of the things that makes us human. A stained garment is but a temporary affliction, and one which I will rise above.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a slipper to find.