Why don't we have drinking songs?

It's been a while. I'm working now, and I'm spending 8 hours a day writing. Suffice to say, my current situation decreases the desirability of writing as an activity. You know, it's like being a chef and then coming home and deciding you're just going to whip up a souffle and some steak tartare just for the hell of it. Fuck that, you know that chef is headed right for the Stouffer's.

So, for a while at least, entries might be a little few and far between, but I promise I'll try super super hard when I write. Pinky swear.

Why don't we have drinking songs?

This is bullshit. Ireland has drinking songs, England has drinking songs, Germany has drinking songs (I think...), where are ours? Was this a Revolutionary War era thing? Did Americans, upon fleeing Europe, decide to drop drinking songs as a break from the homeland? Whatever the case, I motion to start some up. Drinking is jolly and social, you're bound to throw your arm around a pal or two. You're already in position. What's wrong with swinging a frothy mug full of beer back and forth in time with a frolicking song about drinking in the fuckin' U.S. of A?

Drinking songs are unique because they are the only songs in history besides Biz Markie's "Just a Friend" in which they have to be sung drastically out of tune to be sung properly. If you sound coherent, you need to consult your beer. Several times in a row. But that's the appeal of it all. It's all about having a good time. Just like Hungry Hungry Hippos.

The problem is, I think we've missed our window. The Irish and English drinking songs (obviously, the gold standard for drinking songs) are old fashioned and rustic. Americans wouldn't be able to come up with something comparable this late in the game. Any drinking song we came up with at this point would sound forced and embarrassingly bad. I'm sure it would involve synths and distorted pop vocals. Fuck this country.

I mean, imagine trying to write something like "Row, Row, Row your boat" these days. Dammit, a charming jingle like that wouldn't survive in this petulant musical climate. It's the fact that it's been around seemingly forever that gives it its charm. We know it's silly, we know it's bafflingly inane, but that's why it's great. Maybe we should all get drunk and sing that. Hmmm...

That's it. There is no resolution. Many of my complaining posts cover a possible solution to the problems of the world, but this is one in which I've pretty much got nothing. It's just unfortunate. I want a drinking song, and I'm not welcome in foreign ones because it's a national pride thing. So while the damn Europeans sway to and fro to the rousing anthems of their forefathers, I'll cringe as drunk girls screech "Don't Stop Believing" again, and again, and again.

Fuck you and the metric system, Europe!