CNN or the Onion? A Denim Douche game

I truly am sorry for the infrequency of my updates. I am ashamed.

But they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. And if that's the case, I assume you're all swooning over the prospect of a new entry.

Swooning... now that's something I'd like to see make a comeback. Imagine being so studly that girls just passed out at the sight of you. Come to think of it, I think this applies to a lot of frat guys. Except it's not quite so much the charm as it is the roofies.

Well, I presume by now you've awaken from your swooning, so let's preface the game. One thing I like to do at work is read CNN. Hey, fuck you, I do plenty there. I can take some time to go to CNN and subsequently change my mind about actually wanting to read the news.

Anyway, I began to notice that towards the bottom of the headlines, at any given time, will be a bunch of stupid, asinine stories that make me laugh out loud. Of course, these are the ones I read, because I'm not wired like the rest of you. But I began to copy and paste the headlines into a word document, which I've e-mailed to myself, and am now ready to unleash. But I figured just doing that was a little pedestrian, so I'm doing it with a twist.

I'm going to interject FIVE headlines from the Onion, one of my very favorite sites on the internet, into my list of CNN headlines. Quite simply, you'll try to figure out which five headlines are "fake" news. If you get them all right, I'll photoshop you into my picture at the top of the page. Isn't that thrilling? Imagine the chance to be featured on a webpage that gets literally dozens of hits a day! Fucking WHOA!

So, message your guess to me on facebook or IM it to hawaiianryan1234, because I think it's way more amusing if no one can see each other's replies. So without further ado, here is the list!

-Dog eats bag of pot, gets high
-Flying fish smack boater in head
-Rat rides a cat riding a dog
-Cat killings becoming more violent
-Badly injured man not done partying yet
-New York to kill 2,000 Canada geese
-Chihuahuas corner cougar in garage
-Wow factor added to corporate presentation
-Man gets stuck atop highway sign
-Fly bugs Obama, so he coolly smacks it
-F-bomb sneaked onto yearbook cover
-Gal offers herself on eBay for 99 cents
-Dog walker trampled to death by cows
-Kid with Tourette’s stands up to bullies
-Mix Tape expresses subtleties of long-term relationship
-Typo cuts drug offender’s prison term
-Singer confesses, “I smuggle avocados”
-Naked flight crew creates safety video
-Guy jumps from helicopter onto marlin?
-NAACP calls for more diversity in police lineups
-Squirrel pops out of cleavage
-Murder suspect’s grin spurs brawl in court
-Holocaust film appeals to believers and skeptics alike
-Woman zaps cheer coach, gets 5 years
-Gay penguins split after one goes straight
-Man has to pick between selling kidney or child
-A stop for doughnuts, then on to the moon
-Commentary: Gay is not the new black

Best of luck! Oh, and cheating on this would be the saddest thing I've ever heard of. Don't do it to yourself.