"Push to Cross" buttons...the Placebo effect?

Here at the Denim Douche, I, your humble friend and narrator, like to steer clear of the esoteric. That's right, we're all about universals here. And by we, I mean me. The other day I had a post half typed up about a strange new trend in my music listening patterns whereupon my iTunes top 25 consists of 18 instrumentals and 7 songs with vocals. But then, I realized that nobody really cares. I realized that I was drifting towards the cardinal sin of all Blogdom...chronicling boring crap about my life that really could be best kept in a Hello Kitty diary under my pillow.

However, amusing anecdotes about the minutiae of day to day life, in the Jerry Seinfeld vein, are a clever way to sidestep this problem. Everyone has a special place in their hearts for "I can relate to that!!!" common observations and potentially crackpot theories. So without any further ado, I present...


"Push to Cross" buttons actually do nothing.

You know, I've been alive a while. It's been more than 21 years now, but who's counting? I've stood at my share of crosswalks. I've waited for my share of white-silhouetted men to replace that foreboding red hand. In all of my life, I think I have been to approximately three million crosswalks. I'll have to check with my statisticians. Anyway, there are times when I stand and do nothing, and there I times when I tap the button like I'm winding my Shy Guy in Mario Party 2, and there is no difference.

Why is this button here? Is it even connected to anything? Pressing questions to say the least. But invalid? I think not. When I was a naive young child, much like the girl in that photo up there (internet photo...my days of following young children around with cameras are over), I had my theories.

1. The cross sign wouldn't appear unless I pressed the button. Wrong. It comes up anyway.
2. Pressing the button will make the light change sooner Nope. It's on a timer.
3. (Approx. 1995-Present) The button doesn't do a goddamn thing.

Now, of course, this theory is based solely on observation. But like I said...I've spent a lot of time observing, and I'm pretty sure something like this couldn't just slip by me. Not if lab rats can learn to collect food on a fixed ratio system! Whoops, too much Learning Psych.

One day I'll have to do some real data collection...hit the button 10 times, not hit the button 10 times, note the differences. I doubt it'll be as easy as the back cover of Highlights, though. In the meantime, I suggest that those of you with any knowledge of the inner workings of electronics re-wire these useless buttons to at least frighten the elderly. Set off some explosions, administer an electric shock... buttons weren't made to do nothing, god dammit! It's time for a revolution in intersection-navigating technology, and I want all of you to be at the forefront. Ready...go.