The Great Mighty Ducks Debate

In the great Dorito debate, I consider myself captain of the Cool Ranch side, and archnemesis Dave is the head honcho over at team Nacho Cheese. This argument continues to rage on, as chronicled months ago here on the Douche (consult the archives if you don’t remember this). The poll results were inconclusive, which I find exciting. A definitive answer to such a burning question shouldn’t come so easily.

But last night, I found myself engaged in a debate nearly as pressing as Dorito Wars. I speak, of course, of the great Mighty Ducks debate. No, the debate isn’t which Mighty Ducks movie is the best. That’s D2 by a country mile. The debate is this:

The Ducks in D2 have two girls on the team. Julie "The Cat" Gaffney (left), and Connie (right).


Which one is hotter?

Now, it may be a weird question to compare two underage girls’ looks, but remember that we grew up with this movie and the debate rages on from the days in which it was appropriate to think these girls were cute.

I am the staunch leader of the Connie camp, and face strong resistance from rival Alex Romansky, an uncompromising “The Cat” man.

Julie “The Cat” Gaffney, all-world goalie from Bangor, Maine, is a much more pivotal character. When coach Bombay makes the insanely ballsy decision to put an ice cold Gaffney in the goal against scoring machine Gunner Staal, you break into a cold sweat.

Connie is a less interesting character, but a much more slammin’ hottie. Goldberg knew it, the Bash Brothers knew it, shit, Julie “The Cat” Gaffney knew it. But hey, that’s just one man’s opinion.

But this is a Democracy. Take a trip back to the mid 90s with me. A time in which Happy Meals reigned supreme and people listened to Ace of Base. An era in which Michael Jordan ruled the world and Pogs happened. Put yourself in 1994 and cast your vote. Because at Denim Douche, we ask the tough questions. The answers come from you.

DUCKS FLY TOGETHER!

P.S. Ladies, don't be shy to chime in. Everyone can appreciate foxy 12 year old hockey players.

CNN or the Onion? A Denim Douche game

I truly am sorry for the infrequency of my updates. I am ashamed.

But they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. And if that's the case, I assume you're all swooning over the prospect of a new entry.

Swooning... now that's something I'd like to see make a comeback. Imagine being so studly that girls just passed out at the sight of you. Come to think of it, I think this applies to a lot of frat guys. Except it's not quite so much the charm as it is the roofies.

Well, I presume by now you've awaken from your swooning, so let's preface the game. One thing I like to do at work is read CNN. Hey, fuck you, I do plenty there. I can take some time to go to CNN and subsequently change my mind about actually wanting to read the news.

Anyway, I began to notice that towards the bottom of the headlines, at any given time, will be a bunch of stupid, asinine stories that make me laugh out loud. Of course, these are the ones I read, because I'm not wired like the rest of you. But I began to copy and paste the headlines into a word document, which I've e-mailed to myself, and am now ready to unleash. But I figured just doing that was a little pedestrian, so I'm doing it with a twist.

I'm going to interject FIVE headlines from the Onion, one of my very favorite sites on the internet, into my list of CNN headlines. Quite simply, you'll try to figure out which five headlines are "fake" news. If you get them all right, I'll photoshop you into my picture at the top of the page. Isn't that thrilling? Imagine the chance to be featured on a webpage that gets literally dozens of hits a day! Fucking WHOA!

So, message your guess to me on facebook or IM it to hawaiianryan1234, because I think it's way more amusing if no one can see each other's replies. So without further ado, here is the list!

-Dog eats bag of pot, gets high
-Flying fish smack boater in head
-Rat rides a cat riding a dog
-Cat killings becoming more violent
-Badly injured man not done partying yet
-New York to kill 2,000 Canada geese
-Chihuahuas corner cougar in garage
-Wow factor added to corporate presentation
-Man gets stuck atop highway sign
-Fly bugs Obama, so he coolly smacks it
-F-bomb sneaked onto yearbook cover
-Gal offers herself on eBay for 99 cents
-Dog walker trampled to death by cows
-Kid with Tourette’s stands up to bullies
-Mix Tape expresses subtleties of long-term relationship
-Typo cuts drug offender’s prison term
-Singer confesses, “I smuggle avocados”
-Naked flight crew creates safety video
-Guy jumps from helicopter onto marlin?
-NAACP calls for more diversity in police lineups
-Squirrel pops out of cleavage
-Murder suspect’s grin spurs brawl in court
-Holocaust film appeals to believers and skeptics alike
-Woman zaps cheer coach, gets 5 years
-Gay penguins split after one goes straight
-Man has to pick between selling kidney or child
-A stop for doughnuts, then on to the moon
-Commentary: Gay is not the new black

Best of luck! Oh, and cheating on this would be the saddest thing I've ever heard of. Don't do it to yourself.

Where do these weird phrases come from?

So I was in my car, listening to Z-100.

Let's stop right there. You may be thinking to yourself, Ryan, you hate pop music, why were you listening to Z-100? Very good question. Glad you brought that up. There are several reasons.

A. I broke my tape adapter.

My tape adapter, to me, was my musical lifeline while in my car. That beautiful piece of equipment would respond to my every whim. Having nearly 4,000 songs at your disposal when you're already a picky music fan is certainly a bonus. Anyway, broke that. Haven't gotten a new one yet. Probably should.

B. My CDs are...problematic?

I haven't really gotten any new CDs in the past 4 or 5 years, as I'll either download off iTunes or pirate music like a real American. Thus, my CD collection represents the Ryan of 9th or 10th grade just a liiittlle too much. Plus, they all skip and piss me off.

C. What are my other options?

Classic Rock stations are insanely irritating in that there are several decades of rock music one may deem "classic," yet I don't think the playlist on these stations has changed in 10 or 12 years. It drives me crazy for some reason. KROQ, the old standby for rock music in this area, is now ANOTHER pop station. I'm not interested in country, salsa, or talk radio. So...

I was listening to Z100. Sean Kingston's latest assault on my earlobes comes on. I start punching inanimate objects left and right, uncontrollably. It's a reflex I have. But then, in the midst of my agony, my mind, being of an inquisitive nature, settled on something to overanalyze. "Shorty."

Just begging to be kicked in the face.

Kingston's busy blathering away about the club (can he even get in?) in his 13 year old overwrought Jamaican accent, but I can't help noticing every 3 or 4 words he drops "Shorty" again. That got me thinking. Why the hell do rappers and wannabe Jamaican R&B singers say "shorty?" What is the origin of this phrase? At what point does a word that sounds like a pejorative aimed at little people become slang for an attractive woman? Are these people trying to say that hot women are like midgets?

Be wary of this line of thought, because it'll only lead you down a slippery slope of mental anguish. Why do we say, "baby?" Isnt' that kind of creepy? How come in the 70's, rockers used to say "little girl?" Isn't that even creepier? What about rad? hip? dawg? da bomb? cool? phat (really???), foxy, money, AAAAAAAH. The list goes on and on.

That's when I realized you just can't question these things. Satisfied with giving up, I tuned back into reality, where Kingston continued to make a compelling argument as to why someone should take him out close range with a crossbow to the face. I changed the station.

Kelly Clarkson.

Oh well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

MY LIFE! WOULD SUCK! WITHOUUUUUUTTT YOUUUUUUUU!!!

You could say that about my tape adapter.

Call Me Crazy, But I’m Starting to Think Lady GaGa is Using a Euphemism For Sex

Lately, I’ve been harboring a strange notion when I hear a certain little rousing electronic pop number on the radio. I know it’s hard to believe, but I can’t shake the feeling that Lady GaGa is dabbling in innuendo when she says that she wants to “take a ride on your disco stick.” Crazy, I know…but bear with me.

Now, you and I both know that there’s virtually no history of sexual euphemism in popular music, but I can’t escape the idea that this Lady GaGa character is not really talking about a disco stick. And it’s not even simply because there’s no such thing as a disco stick; but disco dancing doesn’t seem to fit with the song’s theme of frisky sexuality. Why would GaGa want to mount a fictional object pertaining to the 1970s dance craze in the middle of arousal?

So I’m thinking that either the song is poorly written or there’s something else going on here…she’s talking about sex. Just think about it…a disco stick, if it existed, would have lots of penis-like qualities. It would be long and phallic, just like an erect man. And she doesn’t simply say she wants to ride ANY disco stick…she wants to ride YOURS.

Subtle as this clever turn of phrase may be, a discerning mind such as my own sees something lying beneath the surface. Ah, the dexterity of the English language! It never ceases to amaze me the things we can “say,” without really saying anything.

Yet, if she’s saying what I THINK she’s saying, it’s certainly inappropriate. What ever happened to good, clean tunes like “Cherry Pie,” by Warrant? An innocent song about a classic American dessert; That’ll never go out of style, trust me. How about “Turning Japanese?” A playful number poking fun at the impossibility of changing races. Poignant and playful. They don’t make songs like they used to, that’s for sure!

GaGa is wading in dangerous waters…she could be starting a dangerous precedent. Before we know it, everyone could be throwing euphemisms in their music.

HA! Wouldn’t that be something?

Next order of business: what’s the deal with that “If You Seek Amy” song? Who’s Amy?