Tipping. It makes no cents. See what I did there?

In December ought-five, my family and I went “across the pond,” as they say, to the country from whence America flew the coop. I’m talkin’ bout the U.K. Great Britain. One nation under the Union Jack.

England.

I was legal to drink in England, despite the fact that I had nearly 3 years left to go in my home country. So silly. I bought a bottle of gin on the airplane because I thought it was hilarious that I could do that. My mom didn’t. The bottle would later be consumed at the now defunct Go Vertical, and thinking about it makes me a little misty-eyed.

But that’s not the point. The point is, at the bars in England, you don’t tip. Seriously. The bartenders won’t accept it. Many of them even find it insulting. Some people just think to themselves, “that’s cool, I saved a dollar!” Well, for one, you saved a pound, you dumbass. At the current exchange rate, you saved $1.64.

But furthermore, the experience makes one think. What the hell is it with tipping? What the English would say when refusing a tip is “all I’m doing is my job.” And it’s true. You ask for a beer. A bartender hands you a beer. You pay for it. So why don’t we tip at convenience stores? Why don’t we tip when we take out food? Why don’t we tip at clothing stores?

That cup of coffee was so good, I'll pay for it twice.

The services for which you tip are seemingly random. You tip cab drivers, barbers, waiters, caddies, beauticians…but why? Why don’t you tip your financial advisor, or your doctor, or some contractor you hired to fix up your house?

I worked as a waiter for a few summers, and I know, of course, that in certain industries, minimum wage is lowered because tips are expected. And being the charmer that I am, that worked out quite nicely for me. But wouldn’t it make an equal amount of sense if the restaurants just paid the damn waiters more?

Tips started out as a way to thank someone for doing an exceptional job, but now they’re expected to the point of tampering with minimum wage. What the hell happened? I’ll tell you one thing; the restaurants make out pretty damn nicely with the current setup. When you’re a waiter, the diners pay your salary. How’d restaurateurs get away with that one?

It makes no goddamn fucking sense - pardon my French - and I’m sure a lot of people feel the same way. But really, you can’t refuse to tip out of principle – you’d be completely screwing a lot of people who really don’t get paid otherwise. So there’s no room for being ideological and sticking to your guns on this one.

No, my friends, when that bartender twists off the cap of that Coors Light you just ordered, you’ll give him an extra dollar for his troubles. What a weird fucking country.

Come on Down! It's Rant Day at Denim Douche!

Today’s a first on Denim Douche: I’m taking a request. Friend of the Douche Logan Peters made a suggestion for a new entry, and this is me, happily obliging.

By the way, any of you can feel free to request a topic at any time. Most will be stupid. I know this. But you may just hit a homerun. Wow, what foreshadowing.

Today, we’re talking about baseball promotions. Logan had astutely noticed the sad, sorry promotional items being offered at Yankee stadium. You know these. Something along the lines of “Come on down to Yankee Stadium on September 4th, because it’s Yankee meat thermometer night! Get ‘em while they’re hot!”

And you say, “Michael Kay, fuck off. I don’t want a meat thermometer. If you’re going to give shit out, make it cool.”

First of all, stop talking to your television. But more importantly, you’re right. I invented the Yankees meat thermometer, but truly, it’s not that far off base. Fuck, the world is loaded with baseball phrases.

When it comes to shitty promotions, the Yankees are batting .1000. Check out some of these upcoming winners:

Soup Bowl Night
Luggage Tag Day
Plush Yankees Whistle Night
Hand Sanitizer Keychain (Unfortunately, I’m missing this by 6 hours)
Limited Edition Miniature Collectible Ford Taurus Night

And some past winners:

Passport holder night
G-force trading card day
Calculator Day

Soup Bowl night? What the hell? Why not just “bowl night?” Are you required to eat soup out of it at all times? Is cereal forbidden?

How does one make a plush whistle? Plush is the shit Beanie Babies were made out of, right? I fail to see the physics of a whistle here.

Limited Edition Miniature Collectible Ford Taurus Night? Or as me and my homies call it, LEMCFTN? If you were to compile a list of miniature car figurines in order of desirability, where would you place the Ford Taurus? Somewhere in between a Gremlin and a Geo Tracker? Sounds about right.

Listen, going to a baseball game is a hell of a good time, and you usually don’t need a whole lot of extra incentive. Who the hell has ever had this conversation?

Dude: Hey, want to go to the Yankee game?
Other Dude: God, I don’t know… maybe…
Dude: It’s Luggage Tag Day!
Other Dude: LET’S FUCKING GO!!!!

There’s no way that these promotions actually boost attendance. And if they do…*angrily shaking my fist at the tri-state area*

In keeping with my intentional overuse of baseball phrases, I’d say these promotions are a strikeout, but I think that’s too exciting. They’re either a sacrifice bunt or a Jamie Moyer fastball. I can’t decide which. A balk?

Come on, where’s the good stuff? Give me Derek Jeter black book night. How about “learn Japanese with Hideki Matsui educational CD night”? CC Sabathia cookbook night? Andy Pettite fake butt-chin night? Who the fuck is Cody Ransom day?

Yankees, you’re a kajillion dollar franchise with 26 championships. Quit having promotions that look suspiciously like they came to fruition after thoughts like “what the fuck are we going to do with all these calculators?” Jason Giambi mustache night was a good start. We want more of that.

Love, America.