Tipping. It makes no cents. See what I did there?

In December ought-five, my family and I went “across the pond,” as they say, to the country from whence America flew the coop. I’m talkin’ bout the U.K. Great Britain. One nation under the Union Jack.

England.

I was legal to drink in England, despite the fact that I had nearly 3 years left to go in my home country. So silly. I bought a bottle of gin on the airplane because I thought it was hilarious that I could do that. My mom didn’t. The bottle would later be consumed at the now defunct Go Vertical, and thinking about it makes me a little misty-eyed.

But that’s not the point. The point is, at the bars in England, you don’t tip. Seriously. The bartenders won’t accept it. Many of them even find it insulting. Some people just think to themselves, “that’s cool, I saved a dollar!” Well, for one, you saved a pound, you dumbass. At the current exchange rate, you saved $1.64.

But furthermore, the experience makes one think. What the hell is it with tipping? What the English would say when refusing a tip is “all I’m doing is my job.” And it’s true. You ask for a beer. A bartender hands you a beer. You pay for it. So why don’t we tip at convenience stores? Why don’t we tip when we take out food? Why don’t we tip at clothing stores?

That cup of coffee was so good, I'll pay for it twice.

The services for which you tip are seemingly random. You tip cab drivers, barbers, waiters, caddies, beauticians…but why? Why don’t you tip your financial advisor, or your doctor, or some contractor you hired to fix up your house?

I worked as a waiter for a few summers, and I know, of course, that in certain industries, minimum wage is lowered because tips are expected. And being the charmer that I am, that worked out quite nicely for me. But wouldn’t it make an equal amount of sense if the restaurants just paid the damn waiters more?

Tips started out as a way to thank someone for doing an exceptional job, but now they’re expected to the point of tampering with minimum wage. What the hell happened? I’ll tell you one thing; the restaurants make out pretty damn nicely with the current setup. When you’re a waiter, the diners pay your salary. How’d restaurateurs get away with that one?

It makes no goddamn fucking sense - pardon my French - and I’m sure a lot of people feel the same way. But really, you can’t refuse to tip out of principle – you’d be completely screwing a lot of people who really don’t get paid otherwise. So there’s no room for being ideological and sticking to your guns on this one.

No, my friends, when that bartender twists off the cap of that Coors Light you just ordered, you’ll give him an extra dollar for his troubles. What a weird fucking country.