Come on Down! It's Rant Day at Denim Douche!

Today’s a first on Denim Douche: I’m taking a request. Friend of the Douche Logan Peters made a suggestion for a new entry, and this is me, happily obliging.

By the way, any of you can feel free to request a topic at any time. Most will be stupid. I know this. But you may just hit a homerun. Wow, what foreshadowing.

Today, we’re talking about baseball promotions. Logan had astutely noticed the sad, sorry promotional items being offered at Yankee stadium. You know these. Something along the lines of “Come on down to Yankee Stadium on September 4th, because it’s Yankee meat thermometer night! Get ‘em while they’re hot!”

And you say, “Michael Kay, fuck off. I don’t want a meat thermometer. If you’re going to give shit out, make it cool.”

First of all, stop talking to your television. But more importantly, you’re right. I invented the Yankees meat thermometer, but truly, it’s not that far off base. Fuck, the world is loaded with baseball phrases.

When it comes to shitty promotions, the Yankees are batting .1000. Check out some of these upcoming winners:

Soup Bowl Night
Luggage Tag Day
Plush Yankees Whistle Night
Hand Sanitizer Keychain (Unfortunately, I’m missing this by 6 hours)
Limited Edition Miniature Collectible Ford Taurus Night

And some past winners:

Passport holder night
G-force trading card day
Calculator Day

Soup Bowl night? What the hell? Why not just “bowl night?” Are you required to eat soup out of it at all times? Is cereal forbidden?

How does one make a plush whistle? Plush is the shit Beanie Babies were made out of, right? I fail to see the physics of a whistle here.

Limited Edition Miniature Collectible Ford Taurus Night? Or as me and my homies call it, LEMCFTN? If you were to compile a list of miniature car figurines in order of desirability, where would you place the Ford Taurus? Somewhere in between a Gremlin and a Geo Tracker? Sounds about right.

Listen, going to a baseball game is a hell of a good time, and you usually don’t need a whole lot of extra incentive. Who the hell has ever had this conversation?

Dude: Hey, want to go to the Yankee game?
Other Dude: God, I don’t know… maybe…
Dude: It’s Luggage Tag Day!
Other Dude: LET’S FUCKING GO!!!!

There’s no way that these promotions actually boost attendance. And if they do…*angrily shaking my fist at the tri-state area*

In keeping with my intentional overuse of baseball phrases, I’d say these promotions are a strikeout, but I think that’s too exciting. They’re either a sacrifice bunt or a Jamie Moyer fastball. I can’t decide which. A balk?

Come on, where’s the good stuff? Give me Derek Jeter black book night. How about “learn Japanese with Hideki Matsui educational CD night”? CC Sabathia cookbook night? Andy Pettite fake butt-chin night? Who the fuck is Cody Ransom day?

Yankees, you’re a kajillion dollar franchise with 26 championships. Quit having promotions that look suspiciously like they came to fruition after thoughts like “what the fuck are we going to do with all these calculators?” Jason Giambi mustache night was a good start. We want more of that.

Love, America.