Poop: Why can't it be number one?

Yeah, that's right. I'm talking about Poop. Doo-doo. Fecal Matter. But don't worry, because I'm twenty-one and mature, I'm going to handle this with class and dignity. I consider that my duty. Heh. Doodie.

Human beings, unlike our feathered friends and their leavings-of-questionable-substance, have two types of waste. Liquid waste is known by the scientific name of "Pee-Pee." Pee-Pee is entirely socially acceptable. People announce to their friends that they intend to urinate. Men say, "Right back, gotta take a piss." Women say to their girlfriends, "Hey I need to pee, want to come with me?", and god damn me straight to hell if the other girl doesn't follow her into the bathroom. Women are like wolves (whose asses we all know I'd like to kick) when they pee. They are pack animals. I'm not sure of the reasoning behind this.

Men are given the permanent green light to pee outside at any given time. You might think we would be embarrassed if ever we were to be noticed by a disgruntled passerby. However, men know that the secret is to laugh and give the thumbs-up sign with your back completely turned to the person. At this point, the passerby's proper response is to laugh back and cheer the peeer (not a typo, but PEE-er: one who pees) on with words of encouragement, such as "good man," or "let it flow, buddy!" Comments on the peeer's penis are strictly forbidden. Actually, this rarely works if the passerby is a woman. If you're a woman, quit being a passerby. It'll make things easier.

(Author's note: All of this rings true for my current walk of life. I could [and probably should] walk outside my apartment right now and just start peeing all over the parking lot. I've got my aforementioned bailout at the ready. It is yet to be seen if the "anything flows" motto holds true later in life. I like to think that I won't let my my urination methods be altered in any way by any sort of societal pressure. Because isn't that what America's about?)

Now I know what you're thinking. "Ryan, I thought you said this article is about poop. Here you go, prattling on about pee. You liar." Don't call me a liar on my own fucking blog. That's just rude. Anyway, one can't get a proper perspective on poop's place in society without first examining the carefree nature of pee. Poop, pee's retarded cousin, is an entirely different animal. Poop is taboo. You can't announce poop. (Unless you're with only guys, or family members, and you're not out somewhere). It's shameful. If you let out a real bomb at some sort of group function, you're required to sink back into the crowd and pretend you know nothing about it. If you're finishing up in a public restroom, you'd like to wait for the other person in the bathroom to leave so they don't look you in the eye with that "My God, what have you done" look.

We live in a world where everyone you meet would love for you to believe they've never taken a shit in their life. Now isn't that insane? You have a dog, don't you? No? Cat? Snake? Whatever. Your pet just bends over and shits whenever he wants to. Not only that, he's pretty happy about it, too. It probably just made his day. He sees no difference between Nos. 1 and 2. He is responding properly to a physiological sign, and more power to him. That's what early humans did, back when we were still figuring out the world. (I reference early humans a lot...I suppose you've got to love any group of people who defecate freely, hunt the elusive porcine and eat like there's no tomorrow).

Well, I suppose living in a society means stigmatizing natural and essential human functions.

But I have a dream. A dream that one day, pee-pee and poo-poo will be treated with equal regard, as they are equally important to the human equation. If you can't help it, you shouldn't have to. You pee with pride. Now go, my loyal Cronies, and crap with courage.

Remember, there's no shame in shitting. Unless it smells. That's gross.

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