The Rime of the Ancient Refrigerator

Having been in a Short Story class (which I ironically chose over a Poetry class) this past week and change, I've been feeling literary, and that of course led me back here. Lacking both the energy or the space to craft a 15 page short story, I thought I would write a short poem, about something close to my heart: The Refrigerator Debacle in which I've found myself entangled this path month. If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry. It'll all make sense soon enough. Here it is,


THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT REFRIGERATOR

One day, about a month ago,
I tried to rid my fridge of frost,
but when I used that screwdriver,
I did not know what it would cost:
My very mind would soon be lost.

With my sharp tool I poked a hole
into the freezer's metal base.
Then from the ice a Freon leak
Shot noisily towards my face
and started stinking up the place.

The Internet gave me bad news:
My fridge was broken, useless, shot.
I knew I could not tell the truth,
I must instead create a plot,
Or else this fridge would cost a lot.

"I used a hair dryer to defrost
The ceiling of that freezer.
But then an ice chunk dropped so hard,
The floor was gouged like Caesar."
Yeah, that oughtta please her.

The office sent for maintenance,
To come install a new machine,
But when I tried to tell my tale,
They looked as if I'd said the Queen
was secretly a wolverine.

They sent the bill for a new fridge,
I can't believe they had the gall.
The old one was so Goddamned old
It could have been in Annie Hall
or greeting shoppers at the mall.

'Cause why should I be forced to buy
these greedy bastards a new fridge?
I'll pay the price for the old one,
It wouldn't even cost a smidge,
Because it's older than Brad Lidge.

The dumb bitch at the office sucks,
She won't back down a single cent.
It's either this or small claims court,
So now at last I must relent,
And pay these assholes half my rent.

So if your freezer needs a clean
Don't you forget I had to pay
Five hundred bucks that fateful morn
I thought I'd try to chip away
Some space to fit an ice cube tray.

So now I sit here with my check
which I must place into the mail,
and though it had no happy end,
I hope all you I did regale,
With my refrigerator tale.

Ryan Prescott, 2009.