*Puts on a party hat, blows into a noisemaker, and in a sad, lonely display, contemplatively enjoys a slice of cake.*
To celebrate this reaching of the half-century mark, I shall do what you've all been dying for ever since my uncomfortably sincere Graduation entry: return to form. The Douche shall once again be Douchey. Graduation is an important and thought-provoking time, but I think we're all better served when I stick to hating things that are stupid; don't you? Exactly. So, in the words of my grandmother, let's get it crackalackin'.
USELESS JOB #3: STORE GREETER
I'm a social person. I like talking to people. I enjoy interaction. But one thing I don't like is interacting with people who are paid to interact with me (well, apart from hookers). That's why I hate dealing with Greeters. You know these people: they're the people in Walmart and Costco (I'm sure there are more, but I can't think of any right now) who stand 10 feet behind the door and say "hi" to you as you walk in. You avert your eyes and say "hi," or simply nod, and don't even break stride as you continue into the store. Your only thought is, "man, what a shitty job. I wonder what kind of life choices led that individual to becoming a professional Greeter."
The point, I presume, is to make these enormous meccas of retail seem more warm and inviting. I have so many problems with this baffling logic I don't even know where to begin. Do these companies really think that by having a 90-year-old man standing around in a vest, customers will think that they're in a mom-and-pop shop? With a chipper old man sweeping the old floorboards and his wife elbow-deep in dough baking apple pie? I think the minute you build a 3 mile parking lot and electronic sensor-operated doors that fling open as you approach the building, you've lost that quaint appeal you so badly desire. Sorry, but them's the breaks.
You know what's warm and inviting about small businesses? The fact that employees actually know you (e.g. Mo-Mo at Colony, Mama Emilia and her disappointingly Americanized son at Emilia's, the mafia-looking guy at the barbershop I go to) and a lot of time, you're being greeted by the owners themselves. No one going to Walmart has the illusion that the "SuperStore" is anything like the above mentioned establishments. Or that the CEO is going to swing by and give them a pat on the back just for coming to Walmart. They understand that they're dealing with a corporate giant and you're just adding to the bottom line.
You see, when the moms and pops of the world greet you, it's still for business reasons. They want you to feel good about being in their store so that you'll spend more money, come back more often, and all that other good stuff. But the difference is, that's something they're doing of their own volition. They don't HAVE to be congenial, they choose to be because it's probably a good idea. A greeter that doesn't greet you is no longer a greeter. He/She is, as of that moment, an ex-greeter. It's their job, it's totally disingenuous, and utterly transparent. I really dislike being pandered to, and I think the Greeter is a really feeble attempt to improve these corporations' public images. Sorry Walmart, but as long as you treat your employees like crap and crush union activity like Hitler's Blitzkrieg, your reputation's staying in the shitter.
You can see I've essentially left behind all the other companies with Greeters besides Walmart, but let's take Walmart as an example and extrapolate the lessons we learn from Walmart to all the other businesses, k?
Here's my question: Does Walmart really need a greeter? What the hell is the point? No one is going to Walmart for the greeter. Everyone ignores the greeter. No one is going to Walmart for the warm atmosphere. It's a cold, enormous warehouse full of shit. People are going to Walmart because their prices are unfathomably low, and that's the bottom line. We don't feel good about ripping the heart out of the American small business. We don't feel good about supporting a company with some super shady business practices; but we do it anyway. Hell, we already know Walmart is pretty fucked up, and that hasn't stopped us from going. Why not fire all the greeters all across the country and keep the revenue? With all the shit they've been accused of doing, some guy standing in the doorway saying "hi" to you is clearly not enough to change their image in the minds of the individual customer or the American people as a whole. We don't like what they do, but we still go, and that would remain true with or without the greeter. But hey, they're the richest company in the world; I guess they know what they're doing.
I'll close by saying this: Having greeters with Down Syndrome is possibly the single most underhanded move one of these companies can make. I spoke before about hating being pandered to, and this is about as blatant as it gets. They might as well put these people in T-shirts that say "See? We really do care!" There are people with Down Syndrome working in every dining hall on campus; they're capable of more than being sleazily used for political reasons like they are in these stores. Thank you, and that is all.
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