Vegetarianism: More meat for me!

You know something, vegetarianism is something I used to speak out against rather vehemently. I mean, human beings are at the top of the food chain. We're apex predators. We've been afforded, no, cherished with the evolutionary gift of not being in any other animal's regular diet.

Of course there are exceptions. Sometimes a bear, a crocodile, or a shark might go ahead and eat one of us. You know something? We probably shouldn't have been fucking around with them. If you don't want to be eaten by a bear, don't go frolicking in the Alaskan wilderness reserve. Catch my drift?

But barring these extenuating circumstances where dumbshits like Timothy Treadwell think they're Dr. fucking Dolittle and wind up the main course, human beings are in a priveleged position. We have our pick of the litter. We do the hunting (note: see "I want to hunt a pig"). We don't have to watch our asses. Vegetarianism is arrogant and selfish because vegetarians choose to disregard this wonderful gift of immunity from being eaten. You're given the throne and you choose to live among the rodents. We all know it's rude not to accept a gift. It's about counting your blessings, people.

Not to mention, once someone makes the decision to become a vegetarian, good luck knocking them off their high horse. Eating meat is cruel! How could we be such meanies? Let's just forget about the millions of years of human life where our ancestors' ancestors had to eat meat or die. Let's forget about how a huge proportion of animals eat other animals, and it's just a part of life.

And if that weren't enough, vegetables taste like a pile of shit, whereas meat is the greatest thing in the world.

And that, my friends, is when I had an epiphany. If you're like me, when you meet a vegetarian, your first instinct is probably to kick them in the face. You want to prod at them, test their resolve, inquire as to the extent of their commitment (i.e. find out if they're one of those "I'm a vegetarian but I eat chicken and fish" people), and pose all sorts of ethical dilemmas to them involving the slaughter of animals. Don't worry. I understand.

It hit me that the planet is overpopulating rather quickly. Resources becoming more and more scarce. Why am I wasting my breath trying to convert these silly vegetarians away from the dark side? If I succeed, all I'm doing is putting another meat eater in place to compete with me for the precious flesh that I crave. Meat is a precious commodity. Who knows how long we'll be able to enjoy it with impunity?

In that spirit, become vegetarians, readers! More for me...I mean, meat is cruel! Why kill animals when we don't have to!? In fact, let's all go visit them! Let's camp out in the Alaskan wilderness! Let's swim down the Nile river! Let's go swimming on the Australian gold coast! It's motherfucking SALAD TIME!!!