Reflection on election defections

Today, I have partaken in a time honored democratic tradition, known locally as "voting." As enlightening as it is to stand on the doorstep of a monumental election, staring proudly into the future with misty eyes and an open heart, I've got to say, one thing just rattled my cage.

The new ballots suck!

When I was a young lad, my mom took me with her to vote. I frolicked joyfully up the hill to our voting center, into the gym, and gazed upon a marvelous sight. A mystical booth, shrouded in the secrecy of what looked like someone's grandmother's tablecloth. What miraculous things could take place behind this glorious veil of democratic anonymity? I went into the booth with her, she closed the curtain, and I laid my eyes upon something to this extent:



This incredible contraption is a whimsical cross between being a mad scientist, a fighter pilot, and the guy who generates power to the electric chair. The bevy of buttons! The symphony of switches! And to top it all off, a huge, authoritative lever that cleared your ballot and took shit from nobody. No wonder people got so excited for election day!

Somewhere in the neighborhood of a decade later, I, Ryan Prescott, took my first journey to the polling place. My heart raced with anticipation as I entered the gym, dreaming of levers and buttons, buttons and levers. What would modern technology add to this enchanting booth? Would I be able to pick up a Duck Hunt gun and shoot my choice? Would I get to play with a touch screen? Surely there would be something there to read my fingerprint or scan my retina.



That's it. I'm handed a ballot, and I'm directed to this. The cold, hard, stiff piece of paper laughing at me as I die inside. No magical box. No buttons and levers. Just paper, marker, and desk. A Democratic Scantron. Where do I enter my PeopleSoft number?

Please also note that the picture of the voting desk is from a site called "election-equipment.com." First of all, silly site. Second of all, election equipment? Really? A desk with a C-shaped piece of posterboard on it? Replace the section directly in front of the voter with glass, and that picture could have come from "Prison-visitation-equipment.com." I come to the gym thinking Night at the Arcade, and I leave thinking CAPT Test. And while I will admit the machine that sucked up my ballot was a little fun, it was still even less amusing than a paper shredder.

We can't let them take the fun out of voting. Not on my watch. Bring back the unnecessary elaborate voting mechanisms, for god's sake. We're a society with a short attention span. Let's try to make voting less like a trip to the DMV.

Oh yeah, and I voted for Obama. Over and out, kiddies!