Hi, kids. As you may have noticed, the title has been restored to Denim Douche, and I am sadly not starting a born-again Christian website. If your head is completely lodged up your ass and you hadn't figured it out by now, April Fool's. I think I'm going to hang on to the "Who's the biggest meanie" poll for a while though, for my own amusement, and as a lingering memory of The Day the Douche Changed. This day is capitalized because of its signifigance. May I point out that Satan was a douchebag all along whereas Judas betrayed J.C. in a most cowardly fashion. Carry on.
One of the great tragedies of my life is having a completely different set of interests from the rest of the world. Every time I go out to somewhere public; a bar, the bus, a party, I'm exposed to a nauseating pile of filth that today's college student refers to as "Music." (See: Spring Weekend Concerts, past 2 years). I don't care about fashion, I eat whatever I want, I swear and fart in public, you get the point. Sometimes I feel like I wasn't cut out for this world, like that kid in the movie "Powder." Great movie. Alright, okay movie. Not nearly bad enough to coincide with my point.
Ah, my point. It always peeks its slimy little head out of the ground like a prairie dog. You're thinking what the fuck, there's no point to any of this, and bam! Point-prairie dog. See how analogies work?
I love bad movies. LOVE them. I might even love bad movies more than good movies. But I've found that at least in my group of friends, that's not the consensus. Here I'll be, basking in the shittiness of an ineptly thought out, wildly inconceivable, train wreck pile of trash of a film, and I look around and everyone else is disinterested. At that point in time, I am Powder. I am pale and psychic and no one understands me. Oh yeah, Jeff Goldblum is in that movie. It just got 10 times better.
The problem, of course, is that of course I don't love all bad movies. There are a lot of bad movies which are just fucking bad. Uninteresting, boring, crap. But the bad movies I love are the MEMORABLE bad movies. REAL shitbombs. The cinematic equivalent of watching the Hindenburg disaster. Oh the humanity, what a horrific movie.
There are two horrible movies on my Comcast Free Movies on Demand (and just why do you think they're free? Free Movies on Demand is an absolute goldmine for unforgivably bad films) that I'd like to discuss with you at this point. Drive Thru and Blood Diner.
I like to read the synopses of these free movies once in a while; see if anything strikes my fancy. Hell, a lot of time there's actually good movies in here (Memento, Back to the Future trilogy, Spaceballs), so it's not just the crap that keeps me coming back. Anyway, as I'm perusing the selection, I come across these two movies. The following synopses are straight off of my TV, I'm literally going to write them down right now. Back in a second.
K here I am.
DRIVE THRU: "Fast food will kill you. Especially when it's delivered by Horny the Clown, a sadistic mascot armed with a meat cleaver, an axe, and a skin sizzling deep fryer. Can anyone stop Horny before the entire town is turned into ground chuck?"
BLOOD DINER: "Today's menu: Hot young women. An ancient Sumerian goddess. Naked karate. And a few extra portions of downright silliness. It's a tongue-in-cheek tribute to Herschell Gordon Lewis' 1963 splatter classic, "Blood Feast." Dig in!
How the fuck could anyone ever read these without watching them? I mean, come on. It's like going to see a hanging. I can attest that Drive Thru was fantastically bad, and I should know, I've watched it 2 and a half times already (I had to rewatch it with different groups of people...how could I deprive them of such beautiful crap?)
I've seen about 30 minutes of Blood Diner before my viewing companion, who shall not be named, could not go on. I seriously want to finish this movie. You have to! In a good movie, you have to finish it because you just now the end will make you say "wow." In "Blood Diner," I've just got to finish it because I know the end will make me say "WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK?" Oh, and don't let the whole "tongue-in-cheek" thing fool you into thinking it's satirical and thus forgivable. This movie is a crime against humanity. And I just can't fucking wait.
Well, I've prattled on for just about long enough, but I want to leave you with some other quick hitters. I watched the movie "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon" recently and my god, was it everything I hoped it would be. Just a disaster. Please, PLEASE click the link below and watch this 1 minute scene of the climactic Megalodon attack scene. I promise you won't regret it.
Next up for me might just have to be "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo," because as Comcast puts it, "Those irrepresible, breakdancing guys are back!" Again, how could you go wrong? I'd be happy to hear from you about fantastic bad movie experiences, or any clips comparable to the Megalodon fiasco. I'm all ears, baby!
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4 comments:
"Here I'll be, basking in the shittiness of an ineptly thought out, wildly inconceivable, train wreck pile of trash of a film, and I look around and everyone else is disinterested"
Untrue, as one of he people your referring to I’d like to point out that the bad movie was funny as hell... it was funny for about thirty minutes though, this is where a normal person realizes what piece of crap they’re watching and can no longer tolerate it. Your like the person that laughs ten seconds longer than everyone else at a joke lol. If anyone else doesn’t believe me ask Ryan to express his views on viral videos or wessley willis. Yes, all these things are funny, even hilarious, but in MODERATION.
p.s. i regards to your april fool's blog. i think we should start a cult, we both already have god complex's.
What link?
Strangely enough it disappeared... Brit said it was there when she read this and she clicked it, too. Oh well. Search "shark attack 3 megalodon" on youtube. Literally the worst special effects of all time.
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